|
SubscriptionsSites I Read
|
|
|
|
| Nothing is going right...everything is falling apart...and I'm searching, hoping, pleading for something...anything to go right.
I keep getting this thought in my head that if God exists and i do believe in Him and that He is Just and good, I want to believe that He "Will never give me more than I can handle," or that everything He does, He does because "He love me."
More simply put I keep trying to tell myself that everything happens for a reason. And I know I cannot begin to appreciate the good things in life unless I have been through the hard things, until I have faced the bad things. Such trial builds character. It seems like...even though Character is a quality I want to have, I don't realize how much I want these things. But God does.
Evan Almighty was on HBO a couple of weeks ago and there is a scene where Morgan Freeman who plays God explains how when people ask God for strength does he give them strength or an opportunity to be strong?
I feel like I dont even know what I want sometimes But God knows and he puts me in all these situations that can become opportunities for greatness, but I dont see it that way...
All I see is another burden placed on my back...and Im falling down again. Flat on my face I look to the sky for that silver lining and even if I did see the face of God, it doesnt change that fact that I feel like a failure. And I try and try to do my best to make my life better, but I do everything I can and still get nowhere. I am a failure but it is out of my hands. I have no control over those failures.
The funny thing is there is an inch of hope in this fact. My mom would always say, if you are doing all you can and things don't work out, don't beat yourself up. You are doing everything you can and thats all you can do.
So if things don't work out, then i assume they weren't meant to. But...alot of things don't work out for me. It is unrealistic to think that life could suck this much. I know life isn't fair, but c'mon, I just need a break from life sometimes, and even still it seems like those breaks don't satisfy anymore...
I'm trying to find words to express how I feel, and the only thing rolling around my brain right now is a line from a Switchfoot song...
"Life is not what I thought it was 24 hours ago..."
Life, or my view of it is constantly changing. I cannot begin to assume that I will ever have life figured out, but there are times where things get a little more comfortable, I can see the walls of my life, my world, and see where I stand...and i feel like i can relax, but those times never last before my world begins to fall apart around me. One wall starts to shake and before I can even face it the other walls come crumbling down around it and I'm standing there bruised and broken surrounded by my broken life. and the thought of starting over and rebuilding those walls seems impossible, not just physically but emotionally. I'm beat up and broken and don't have the physical energy to get up, and my heart...my heart is exhausted. It simply wants to give up and cease to exist. But this is not an option. If you could die from heart ache, from a broken heart, I would have long since passed.
But I'm still here...so there has to be a reason...right?
| | |
| I
have come to this conclusion once before, but after talking to a friend
I realized that the thing that keeps me from feeling whole...that
desire for something more, for something to give my life satisfaction
may just be how I was created.
This is just me rethinking the last note I wrote so if you feel so inclined to read it, this will make more sense.
It's easy to get lost searching for something that you believe will bring balance or purpose to your life.
The fatal flaw is that in our searching for something greater than
ourselves, we settle for something no better or of equal value to
ourselves.
Friendships and relationships are definitely valuable parts of our
existence, but to think that we will find what we are looking for in
another human being as we search for meaning or for something greater,
we are sadly mistaken. And this is our fatal flaw. Though friends and family may be an important part of our life, the fact is that humanity is flawed. people will let you down.
I think this desire for something greater, for satisfaction within our souls exists in the heart of every person.
Some successfully block it out. There are those who don't understand
these feelings and may convince themselves to find the satisfaction in
other places whether they are healthy sources or not. But then
there are those of us who know something is off. We keep searching for
meaning, keep trying to understand, keep hoping the temporary thing we
are putting out heart into will be the source of our peace...but it
doesn't happen. We don't find peace. We find heartache, depression,
hopelessness.
But I'm starting to think that this innate desire for something more
out of life or our dissatisfaction with life in general is God's way of
telling us that we were not made for this place. The state of mind
we are in, the environment, the comfort zone- there is so much more to
life than just this human existence. And to try to find all of our
satisfaction for life on this earth through relationships and stuff
just so that we will never be left wanting more is killing who we have
been created to be.
If you acknowledge that you have a soul, it's hard to separate that
fact from the fact that your life has purpose. If that purpose flows
from your soul, the core of who you are, then it seems only logical
that our purpose should drive us to something greater than finding
satisfaction in the daily routines of our human existence
...but maybe I'm crazy... | | |
| My heart hurts today...I was fine when the day started, and through a
small series of events, emotions were stirred up that I thought I had
overcame.
I just want to know true freedom... and peace for my soul... and
love. Genuine, passionate, and real. I haven't felt whole in along
time, like part of me is missing... and I'm just looking for someone or
something that will make me feel whole again... To give me back the pieces of me that I have lost along the way.
Maybe I am not even looking for my own lost pieces...but someone who
has something I don't have. Something that will fill the void in my
life...
I just want to live... really live. I want to feel free again...and
let the wind carry me away. friends make me feel free- dreaming,
writing, reading, art, music...the wind.
Henry David Thoreau said, "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation."
I am quiet and desperate... I keep myself busy with my daily routines
just to keep my mind distracted from listening to my heart, while my
soul is overwhelmed in unrest and desperation....
"Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, and my heart is just going to cave in."
I don't know what I want anymore. maybe just peace for my lost pieces... | | |
| My dreams are not so far off these days. I can feel them, taste them
even, but the excitement of such hope is being met with great adversity
lately.
I have been working so hard this past year to get this clothing line
off the ground. I've recently gained a partner and had a great weekend
last week meeting with contacts, doing photoshoots and beginning the
website, but I am back home now, and the struggle just to survive eagerly awaited my return.
Back to home not so sweet home. I am trying to keep the faith, and not lose hope, but it seems impossible.
Nothing is stable these days. Not my income, not my home. The bills are
piling up and I'm starting to drowned in them. I went back to school
thinking I could live off the money I normally get back from my loans
to pay my rent. So I cut back on work, started school full time and my
clothing line full time, and have sacrificed sleep and health fighting
for those dreams, believing they were pure, and that things would work
out.
But then my financial aid was delayed, and it may be a month before
that money comes in... and I may be on the street before that happens...
I thought about just dropping out of school and going back to work full
time, but i cannot find a job no matter where I look. I'd take
anything, and looking at jobs I really dont want just to make it
through...
I'm trying to be faithful. I really am! I am trying to press on, but I need some direction in my life.
I am at the bottom of the barrel and I don't know how I got here. I
thought I was walking in faith, but am starting to think I have just
been walking in ignorance...
I'm not ready to give up, but i feel like I'm barely holding on. I'm
holding on to the edge of the cliff and my fingers are slipping. I've
been here for so long, and my strength is weakening.
If you pray, please say one for me. | | |
| Tonight I realized as lost as I have felt in my life lately, doubting what I have always believed to be true, I realized that regardless, I have to keep believing. I need to keep believing in something.
If I didn't believe in something, My life would serve no purpose. In order for me to feel like life is worth living I have to believe that there is a reason for my life. A reason for the troubled past, and the painful present. Maybe it only painful cus I cannot find my way back to what I believe.
And whatever it is I chose to believe in it has to be something greater than me. Something so beyond myself it would forever captivate me and keep me striving to attain the fullness of its essence...
I've tried to believe in myself, But I am a flawed human being. Imperfect. A failure.
I believe in God...But I've lost sight of His character. I feel like I've lost who He really is. And it just came out of nowhere. Everything was going well and i am walking along and it was as if someone slammed a door in my face that I didn't even know existed.
And when it hit at that moment, I didn't try to force it open. I walked away. I sat down. and got lost in the moment. I was feeling hesitant feelings I could not explain. I just sat there looking at the door thinking, Maybe this is where I belong. But what did I do wrong? How did I even get here? Is the door really there? Is my mind just playing tricks on me? I was walking along and didnt even realize where I was, and now I'm stuck here.
That door is the only way back home, and what I believe is on the other side of that door.
Lost in limbo it seems.
What I believe is what gives me hope, but when you start to doubt your beliefs...it throws everything off. I NEED to believe in a God, a supreme being who loves me no matter what. A Being who forgives me and has my best interests at heart every second that I live and breathe in this life.
And even more than just believing in something...I need to have those beliefs reaffirmed.
Regardless of how flawed a human being I am, I believe that if there is a God who has created humanity for a purpose, that I, in fact, do have purpose. And I want it to be great. I want it to affect people. I want it to mean something...
 | | |
|
